The first day of school. I need more shoes. Actually, I need more clothes. Perhaps it will help if I start from the beginning:
8:10am
I arrive at school just in time for the 8:15 teachers meeting. Carefully, I remove my outside shoes and attempt to gracefully slip on my inside shoes. I look like a crane which is about to fall over. I place my outside shoes into my new cubby hole - my very own three shelved unit. Hmmm. I only have one pair of outside shoes, how many feet do they think I have? Anyhow, I make my way to the coffee room and then to my desk. Everyone stands, bows and shouts "ohayo gozaimasu" until our voices crack. one by one, all the teachers stand and it sounds like this: "kore waaa sore waaaa onegaishimas shimas shimas sushi waaa onigirishimas onegaishimas waaaa shimas" - you get the point. All I can do is sit there with a stupid half grin on my face and wonder if it would be very rude of me to burst out laughing. I notice that everyone looks very nice and professional and try to imagine them naked drinking sake.
8:25am
the students are having homeroom meeting in their classrooms. Everyone in the staffroom disappears. WHEN THEY RETURN (OOPS - I CAN`T FIGURE OUT WHICH IS THE CAPS BUTTON). sOON i REALIZE THAT EVERYONE HAS CHANGED INTO GYM WEAR FOR THE MONDAY MORNING FIRE DRILL. aH, WHAT AN ORDERLY SOCIETY IT IS THAT EVEN MAKES TIME FOR A CHANGE OF CLOTHING IN THE FACE OF DISASTER. AT 5:46 AM, WHEN THE GREAT HANSHIN EARTHQUAKE HIT KOBE, i BET YOU THAT NO ONE WAS CAUGHT OUTSIDE IN HIS BATHROBE - THEY WERE ALL WEARING GYM CLOTHES AND THE APPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR FOR THE OCCASION. aN INTERESTING SIDE NOTE: EVERYONE CHANGES IN THE SAME ROOM - EVEN THE STUDENTS - IT`S SUPPOSED TO BE A BONDING EXPERIENCE. i HAVEN`T FOUND OUT WHERE THAT ROOM IS. INDEED, I DON`T HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES TO WARRANT USING IT.
8:35
THE AIR RAID SIRENS BLARE AND i AM LEFT STANDING ALONE IN THE STAFF ROOM, TEA IN HAND, WONDERING IF i SHOULD HIDE UNDER MY DESK OR RUN AROUND AND FIND EVERYONE.
8:40AM
i FIND EVERYONE ASSEMBLED IN THE GYM PRACTISING BOWING - GEEZ - THESE WOULD BE REALLY CALM PEOPLE IN A DISASTER. THE NUCLEAR BOMB IS HITTING, BUT WE MUST BE CERTAIN TO BOW PROPERLY. 30 MORE MINUTES OF PEOPLE BLATHERING AT ME IN JAPANESE. AS A TEACHER, i HAVE TO STAND, AND SQUIRMING IS INAPPROPRIATE. i CONTEMPLATE MY NEW REALIZATION THAT i HAVE BEEN DUPED INTO JOINING THE MILITARY, NOT TEACHING IN jAPAN.
9:10AM.
IT IS OVER - YAY - I TAKE OFF TO THE STAFFROOM WHERE MY TEA IS WAITING FOR ME.
I ENTER AND STOP - STUNNED - EVERYONE IS IN HIS THIRD OUTFIT TODAY, AND ONCE AGAIN WEARING A DIFFERENT PAIR OF SHOES!!! HOW DO THEY DO THAT??? WHERE DO THEY DO THAT????
9:22AM
ONCE AGAIN, i AM ALONE IN THE STAFF ROOM. EVERYONE HAS TAKEN OFF. i BET THEY ARE CHANGING THEIR SHOES....
THERE`S A NOTE ON MY DESK - THEY WANT ME TO LEAD THE GIRLS IN MORNING CALISTHENICS. EVIDENTLY THEY READ MY BIO, IN WHICH i PUT `DANCING` AS A HOBBY...
12:31
OK, SO MORNING CALISTHENICS LAST THREE HOURS IN MY TOWN..... APPARENTLY, IT IS SPORTS WEEK, SO THEY WILL BE DOING MY LITTLE DANCE ROUTINE FOR THEIR SPORTS FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND...
ANYWAY, EVERYONE HAS CHANGED AGAIN FOR LUNCH.
1:15PM
THIS IS BEGINNING TO DRIVE ME MAD - EVERYONE HAS CHANGED AGAIN - ALL THE STUDENTS ARE RUNNING AROUND CLEANING. THERE IS NO JANITORIAL STAFF IN SCHOOLS IN JAPAN - THE KIDS DO ALL THE CLEANING. tHIS IS SOMETHING THAT i THINK WE IN CANADA SHOULD ADOPT - THERE IS NO GRAFFITTI AT MY SCHOOL. THE STUDENTS RESPECT IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO FIX IT AND CLEAN IT. SPEAKING OF FIXING IT, THE SCHOOL IS UNDER RENOVATION RIGHT NOW - THERE ARE WORKMEN DOING THE WIRING AND SOME DRYWALL INSIDE - THEY ARE SO CUTE IN THEIR HARD HATS, BLUE-GREEN OVERALLS, AND *BEIGE SLIPPERS*
NEVER IN MY LIFE WOULD i HAVE EXPECTED WORKMEN TO WEAR SLIPPERS. i HOPE THAT THEY ARE AT LEAST STEEL-TOED.....
ALTHOUGH i`LL BET YOU THAT THEY HAVE DIFFERENT OVERALLS AND SLIPPERS FOR EACH DAMN ROOM THAT THEY WORK IN, AND FOR EACH TYPE OF JOB THEY WORK ON!!!
STAY TUNED FOR MORE ADVENTURES ACROSS THE POND: TOMORROW`S INSTALLMENT WILL BE THE OLD MAN AT THE RESTAURANT WHO CAME UP AND OFFERED TO IMPREGNATE ME....
(THAT ISN`T A JOKE, EITHER...)